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Question of the day

By Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee to Kerala Communists

Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee took a swipe at the hardline fringe of the Kerala unit which has yet to come to terms with the reforms within. ”Why should we oppose foreign companies if they bring in jobs? Why should we oppose shopping malls from MNCs if they provide employment to our jobless youth?” he said. [Why are you afraid of foreign firms if they give jobs]

Jobless youth are required to destroy public property and bring life to standstill depending on if Achyutanandan or Pinarayi Vijayan got out on the wrong side of the bed. Giving such lectures will not change anything and so we need to follow the tactics in HOWTO: Develop Kerala document.

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HOWTO: Develop Kerala

Finally we have a fool proof plan for making Kerala the hub of IT development. This plan is so perfect that once implemented, investors will be running to the state with the same enthusiasm with which Karunakaran is running towards the Communists.

Previously, some management types working for investors did some research on places to invest in India and came up with Kochi, Kerala. The person had used factors like educated workforce, access to airport, roads etc and Kochi was the perfect match like the hammer to the sickle or Prakash to a Karat.

A bunch of VC’s came with bag loads of money, made the decision to setup shop, and while trying to enjoy the trip were are stuck in a houseboat in middle on a lake in Kumarakom due to an instant hartal called by the Communists, protesting the lack of hartal for a month. The oarsman who was a Communist had deserted the boat.

After living on fresh fish for two days, the realization stuck them that they need to add more parameters into their Excel spreadsheet while choosing places to invest. Since then Kochi was blacklisted among all VCs and they instructed their travel departments never to book a ticket to God’s own country, even if an actual God ordered them. So no one invests in Kerala anymore.

If you have been reading news, you know that politicians have changed the name of Bangalore to its ancient name Bengaluru to more accurately reflect the 16th century infrastructure there. As a result, the name Bangalore is up for grabs.

Our plan consists of instantly renaming Kochi to Bangalore. Now when a VC wants to invest in Bangalore and books a ticket guess where he is going to land? I mean who calls his travel agent and says, book a ticket to Bengaluru? Before you know investors will be landing in the Kerala and creating startups. IBM, Microsoft and Google will be having offices in coconut groves and employees will be getting free Ayurvedic massages as perks.

By the time the Comrades return back from their conclave in Kolkatta, the palce would have changed like anything. Internet cafes would have changed to dotcoms. Old dilapidated shops which used to sell bananas, cigarettes and Ma magazines would be having a BPO operation on the side. DYFI members would be speaking Malayalam with an American accent and SFI activists would be enthusiastically discussing BitComet’s non-honoring of BitTorrent private flag.

Looking at this, the Comrades would be wondering if a coconut fell on their heads. They would take out their Nokia phones and dial each other to protest this invasion of globalization. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see.

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